Our Marriage Changed After Baby–It Got Better
When I was pregnant with our daughter Hadley, everyone seemed to have an opinion about how much marriage after baby would change. I’ll never forget sitting in an Olive Garden as the waitress leaned in with a big smile and said, “You think you love your husband, but just wait until you meet your daughter. It’s way better.”
She was far from the first person to tell me this. Over and over, strangers told me the same story: marriage after kids isn’t marriage at all. Your whole world revolves around your baby, and your spouse becomes little more than a roommate you occasionally pass on the way to grab another bottle.
And honestly? I saw it everywhere. The eye doctor with dozens of photos of her children taped to her desk, but not a single one of her husband. Women at the bank who lit up talking about their kids but never mentioned their marriages. The narrative was loud and clear: once the baby arrives, your marriage will be over as you know it.
But here’s the thing—my husband and I weren’t willing to accept that story.
Ground Rules for Love After Baby
Having been lucky enough to marry my soulmate, I wasn’t about to let our love fade into the background. Before Hadley was born, we sat down and created some ground rules. Not rules in the strict, scary sense—but guiding principles we agreed to hold onto when life got messy (and spoiler alert: it did).
The very first rule we wrote down might sound radical: our marriage comes first—even before our children.
Shocking? Maybe. Selfish? Not at all. Here’s why:
Children thrive in a home where love and teamwork are modeled daily. Our daughter needs to grow up watching two people who are still in love, still choosing each other, and still fighting for each other. If we neglect our marriage “for her sake,” she’ll eventually feel the cracks. But if we protect our marriage, she gains a safe, stable foundation.
So no—we don’t ignore her needs. We’re both in the trenches, sacrificing for her every day. But we also recognize that we’re better parents when we’re a strong team.
Redefining “Date Night”
Everyone says to keep dating your spouse after kids, but let’s be real: finding a babysitter, putting on real pants, and shelling out money for dinner isn’t always realistic. Not to mention the fact that our schedule is already bursting with other obligations.
For us, “date night” has become more about a mindset shift than a restaurant reservation. It’s something we integrate into our daily lives, every single day. Even if only for a few minutes.
Some nights, that looks like me sipping decaf chai tea while sitting across from my husband as he eats his late dinner after work. Other nights, it’s tackling the dishes together, laughing about our day while one of us scrubs and the other dries. Sometimes, it’s collapsing on the couch and watching a show that sparks deeper conversations like Lenox Hill.
And when we can? We make it a point to actually go out—just us, no diaper bag in sight. Ideally, we’d do this once a month. But to avoid putting too much of a strain on our village, we often settle for once every two or three. Even when we can’t make it happen, the commitment is the same: time together, on purpose, while completely present.
Choosing Togetherness, Not Roommate Status
One of the biggest pitfalls of marriage after kids is the slow drift into “roommate mode.” You divide tasks, you keep the house running, and before you know it, your life together feels like logistics instead of love. That’s how it felt when we first had Hadley. Like, we were both so busy treading water in our own lanes that we weren’t coming together often enough.
We’ve made it a rule that we don’t just do life alongside each other—we do it with each other.
Yes, there are some things we divide and conquer because it makes sense. I do the groceries each week and cook most of the meals. He mows the lawn and other “manly” tasks that I can’t be bothered with. I order the diapers. He orders the shoes. Etc.
But when we can? We do things together. We help each other fold laundry (and so does our daughter). We go on long stroller walks. We tackle the logistics of parties and family events together, because I’ve learned to ask for help (read more about my journey with that here).
Even the mundane moments are opportunities to stay connected.
Choosing to Be Present in the Real World
As a new parent, it’s easy to run to the internet for everything—advice, entertainment, or just a quick break from the constant demands of real life. And while there’s nothing wrong with scrolling now and then, we’ve noticed that the more we lean on the virtual world, the less we lean on each other.
A strong marriage is built on presence, not proximity. Sitting side by side on the couch with phones in hand isn’t the same as truly being together. And comparison—whether it’s measuring our spouse against someone else’s highlight reel or holding ourselves up against impossible standards—can quietly erode the joy we already have.
What makes the biggest difference for us is simply choosing presence. Putting the phones down, making eye contact, and remembering that the real life we’ve been given—messy and beautiful as it is—matters so much more than whatever is happening on a screen.
Talk It Out (Even When It’s Messy)
I won’t sugarcoat it: marriage after baby is harder. Sleep deprivation, hormones, and the constant demands of keeping a tiny human alive take their toll.
What makes or breaks a couple, though, is communication.
It’s easy to let resentment build when you feel like you’re carrying more of the weight, or when one of you gets more rest than the other. It’s tempting to push emotions down because “there’s no time.” Or because you don’t quite know the right way to say something. Sometimes, you aren’t even sure why you’re feeling a certain way. You just are. But stuffing things down only leads to explosions later. It can make marriage after baby tougher than it has to be.
For us, open communication has meant plenty of tearful late-night conversations—about breastfeeding struggles, insecurity, exhaustion, or simply feeling overwhelmed. And every single time, those raw conversations made us stronger. Because when you let your spouse see your weakness, they actually get the chance to show up for you.
Don’t Let Every Conversation Be About the Baby
Yes, that five-alarm diaper blowout that ruined both your outfit and the baby bouncer definitely deserves a retelling. And those moments when your little one shows off a new “dance move” or belly laugh? They’re priceless and worth sharing.
But here’s the thing: not every conversation needs to circle back to your baby. Some weeks, it might feel like that’s all you talk about—and that’s okay. But over time, you’ll probably find yourself craving adult conversation again.
Keep making space to get to know each other outside of parenthood. Ask how your spouse’s day went and really listen. Share something funny you saw, an idea you’re excited about, or even a random thought from that podcast you caught on your commute. These little exchanges remind you that you’re more than just co-parents—you’re still two people who genuinely enjoy each other’s company. Your marriage after baby still matters–and so does your individuality.
Why Time Apart Matters, Too
Here’s the curveball: as much as we value time together, we’ve also learned the importance of time apart.
For my husband, that might mean a couple of hours of video games once a week or a trip to the gym with a friend. For me, it’s usually writing, cooking, or honestly…falling asleep on the couch with a Boppy around my head while Gilmore Girls judges me in the background.
The point is, we each get a reasonable amount of breathing room. And then, we come back refreshed, ready to give more of ourselves to each other and our daughter.
Our Marriage After Baby: Stronger Than Ever
So did our marriage change after Hadley was born? Absolutely. Parenthood reshaped everything about our routines, our free time, and our capacity for rest. But here’s the twist: it didn’t weaken us.
If anything, it made us more intentional, more present, and more willing to fight for each other. We work harder than we ever have before, but that work is worth it. Because in choosing each other every single day, we’re giving our daughter the greatest gift: parents who love each other deeply.
Also, regarding everyone who said you love your kid so much more than your spouse? I didn’t personally find that to be true. I love them differently, but equally, because I won’t settle for any less.
